something is seriously wrong with me. sure i can fake all the smiles that i want but inside i still have this feeling of sadness.. why? why can’t i just be happy? i want to cry an endless stream of tears but if i do that people will question me. lately i feel more and more depressed. this story im reading is making the mood even worse. what happened to the person i once was? was i actually truly happy or was it all fake? right now i just don’t know anymore. i don’t want to respond to anyone. i don’t want to see anyone. and i just don’t want to be here right now. my thoughts are going to be the death of me, slowly but surely. i want to escape. go some place far far awy and maybe never come back. can i do that? can i free myself from everything? but that means i have to hurt people in order for myself to be happy..i don’t know if i’m willing to do that. why is it that in order for pleasure someone has to be hurt? isn’t there some sort of loophole for pure happiness? i can’t fake my smiles anymore they always end up as frowns. i can’t do this anymore. i need to leave.

I can honestly tell if you’re lying to me because a liar can easily spot out another liar. so don’t give me that bullshit and those fake smiles. if i decided to be real with you why can’t you do the same? i know that as time passes these days have been filled with shit. but don’t you realize it? even if you’re sad or depressed the world isn’t going to stop and say, “oh my gosh. are you okay?” people just go on by, living their normal lives. so what’s the point of feeling down? want attention? go live in your own world. i’m sorry but it’s 2012, times ticking so start running.

I’m sitting here drowning myself with music and i can’t help but recollect the past. the memories began to flood my brain. as each note played from the song the memories began pouring out. i see the things that i thought i buried but they cut me like the first time that they happened. the hurt i received is twice as much as before. it made me realize all of the wrong that i’ve done. i know why you did what you did, you aren’t the monster, i am. i am the one who did wrong. i lied and betrayed your trust. i hurt you so you decided to cut all ties off with me. you did a good job because that day i hit rock bottom. my life was now hell and i realize that i won’t receive a redemption. no matter how hard i try to be happy i won’t successfully be happy with myself because there will always be this part where i remember all that i’ve done. after you cut yourself away from me everything crumbled. nobody was there for me. i was all alone. maybe it was meant for me to be like this. i cried myself to sleep every night to where i couldn’t cry anymore. afterwards everyone ignored me. so i decided to prove to you i was happy without you. but you already knew, that i couldn’t do it. there will always be a part of me that wants you to accept me back but i know that you won’t. because i tried once and you didn’t even bother to look at me, like i didn’t exist. i thought you were the bad guy but i know that i am. maybe one day you will listen to me. but i know that you won’t right now because you’re one of the most stubborn people i’ve ever met. you showed me how disgusting i was, i still am. i don’t live a happy life because it’s still in my head. it’s good to know that your happy but it hurts to realize that you don’t want me there in your life. things wont go back to what they were like. i know that because we grew so far apart. no. i grew far apart. you guys grew closer together. i see the pictures. they’re all proof and it’s like you’re shoving them in my face. i’m still hurt. i still cry. i think about how i can get you back but i have times where i want to give up. tell me am i wasting my time while waiting in this hell?

What has been done is know written and inscribed into the sands of times. there’s no turning back after what was done. The things that were said were of the most sincerity possible but my lack of trust never grew nor faded. now let’s spin the hands of time and see what the outcome will be like. will you do as told? or will you free yourself? 

I’m surprised that i haven’t taken up drinking or smoking with what i deal with on a daily basis. maybe i should take that offer.